I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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