The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
