I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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