I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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