I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
