I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
