I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
