Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
