Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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