im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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