We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
