covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
