I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
