I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
