don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
