the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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