If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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