Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
