I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize