went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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