You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
