haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
