I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
