I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
