No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
