Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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