And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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