In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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