what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
