Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
