I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
