Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Your mouth is God's brothel.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
