considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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