Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
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