i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
