Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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