areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize