I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
