Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
