So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
