if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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