I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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