I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
