We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Randomize
