I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
