So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
