Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
