I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
