How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My vagina just recognized that song.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
