sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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