Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
