So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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