If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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