I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
people are starting to question the shark bite story
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
