Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
