hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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