I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
