another moral hangover. fuck.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
