Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
