lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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