FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize