Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
