before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
