he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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