Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
he thought i was a dude.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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